DaichiKoda

"Small good lie” <Description>

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Description
Since the time she said she wanted to die, I have been thinking that it could really happen. Through deaths of people close to me, I know that one dies and that it can happen unexpectedly. Her symptoms were severe, and she looked worn out, painful and small. In those days, living was difficult for us. I was somehow trying to prevent her from giving up on living, and I told her many small lies. While thinking of her possible death, I felt also that I needed to solve my own problems. The issue was what to do now as I was gazing at the loss. As I sunk deeper into dialogue with images, the boundaries became ambiguous. And in this ambiguity, I felt that I could feel the temperature within me. The indefinable landscape was showing the coincidence of matters. Death was imminent.

彼女が死にたいと言ってから、僕はそれが本当に起こりうることだということを考えていた。身近な死を通して、人が死ぬことを僕は知っていて、それが突然目の前に現れることがあることも分かっていた。彼女の症状は深刻で、憔悴している姿は痛々しく小さかった。当時、生活するということは難しい事だった。僕はなんとかして生活をあきらめてしまう事を遠ざけようとしていた。僕はいくつもの嘘をついた。彼女の死を考えながら、同時に僕自身の中にある問題を解決する必要を感じていた。喪失を見つめながら、今をどうするのかという事についての問題だった。画面の中に深く沈んでいけば行くほど境界は曖昧になり、その曖昧さの中にこそ温度を感じる気がした。どちらとも言えない景色は、どちらかではない事を示していた。
死はあらかじめ含まれていた。

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